Emerson's First Road Trip and the Ensuing Aftermath

So, Emerson is approaching her 3 month "birthday" and I am just now getting around to writing in her blog... oh the pressure... sigh...  forgive me.  Not surprisingly, its a combination of lack of time, lack of sleep, lack of energy, and not really knowing how to verbalize this whole 'parenthood thing'.  You know me, I like to process before I open my mouth and... well... I've decided that I'm probably going to be processing for the rest of my life so I might as well just get on with it.

As you all know, Em got off to a bit of a rocky start in the hospital and it took us a few weeks to get her bulked up to acceptable chubby baby standards but once we caught up from all of that, the three of us started to stabilize a bit.

In fact, we were SO stable at 2 months..... that we decided it was time for a road trip.... YES!  SIXTEEN TWENTY hours in the car with our sweet, low-maintenance, precious little bundle of sunshine!  Why??  Because we CAN!  Because we're going to be laid back parents, who travel freely... who introduce our daughter to as much of the world she is tasked to conquer as we can -  at every single opportunity that we have!!!!! ... Because we desperately need a change of scenery... and because Nashville's Jim 'N Nick's BBQ has a location in Denver and damn if we didn't seriously need some sweet tea and biscuits.

So.... the night before our EIGHT TEN hour trek to Denver, we've broken down the pack-n-play, we have the first aid kit, we have rattles and strollers and wipes and ridiculous amounts of diapers.  I have been to target and purchased a $40.00 mirror to hang in the back seat that flashes lights and speaks 3 languages to entertain Emerson.  Yes, I know that Emerson doesn't even speak one language... she has no concept of so much as a consonant... but whatever - we're ready.  Hunter and I agree that we want to hit the road early.  As I'm thinking to myself 'Yeah! 8:00 should be no problem!'... he says, so I'm thinking if we're out of here no later than 6:00 we'll be good okay...

Um.... panic on the inside:

"6 o'clock in the a.m.?!?!  IS HE INSANE???... Wait...   You know what? I can do that ... you know why?  We're stable.  We're (wait for it ) 'laid back parents, who travel freely... who introduce our daughter to as much of the world she is tasked to conquer as we can - at every single opportunity that we have!!!!!'...  6:00 in the a.m.?? - No problem."

You know what.... by 6:15 we had picked up my travel coffee from Java Joe's and were on the way out of town.  We rock...

... Wait....
.... What is that god awful smell...
... Was that you???
... EMERSON!!!!!!!!

Long and painful story short (yeah right, you know I can't do that)... we would later discover that the day of our road trip was the day that Emerson would come down with the never ending demon stomach virus.  By the time we crossed into Colorado she had been through 3 wardrobe changes due to extreme gastrointestinal blowouts and I had been through two (wardrobe changes, not blowouts).  This was also about the time the child stopped eating... Again.  Despite her digestive distress and disappearing appetite she was truly a peach to journey with.  She loved her flashing tri-lingual mirror (Even though Hunter is convinced that it is some sort of baby brainwashing machine with subliminal messages in the flashing lights and foreign languages programed to indoctrinate infants into some sort of conspiratorial underground army).  She slept well and often and when she was awake she was generally in good spirits.... until we got home ... at which time the demonic possession was complete. The love of our lives, our sweet baby girl, was replaced by this hysterical miniature banshee whose vocal prowess only grew throughout the week.   By Sunday, Hunter and I actually took 20 minutes of our precious, precious, quiet time to sit down to watch the "Purple Baby," a DVD on colic that the hospital gave us upon departure that is essentially a tutorial on how to keep from killing your screaming child.

One of the things they tell you to do is to "Put the baby in a safe place, such as her crib and walk away to gather yourself."  We did just this on one particularly excruciating afternoon.  About 5 minutes later I decided to go check on the still shrieking creature that had replaced my little girl only to find that in her fury, she had received a surge of hulk-like strength and flipped herself from her back to her stomach and was screaming into her mattress, likely on her way to suffocating and just ending it all.  As if we weren't stressed enough, we now have full on maternal horror and panic. She was fine.  I was less than fine.

All that said, we worked our way through two weeks of pungent diarrhea, vile geysers of poo that seemed to erupt faithfully every time the child was diaperless and pointing in our direction, etc, et. al.  As far as the hearing loss... you know, I guess we'll just have to live with that.  As far as the emotional turmoil....  I've been meaning to find a good therapist here in SLC anyway.  Two visits/3 phone calls to the Pediatrician and a few doses of Tylenol later, all is well and sweet baby Emerson has returned.  However.... I do not see a road trip in our immediate future.  I think maybe we can be 'laid back parents, who travel freely... who introduce our daughter to as much of the world she is tasked to conquer as we can - at every single opportunity that we have!!!!!' when she's... like.... SIXTEEN TWENTY.

PS:  Did I mention I started back to work this week too?  No?  That's because I can't even bring myself to talk about it yet.  WHEW!